there's a million other girls who do it just like you...

phony. phony. phony.

i complain about fakeness and such, but honestly the phoniest person i know is myself. i can bull shit you up the ass if i wanted to. very, VERY few people know the real me (most of you read this blog) and honestly, i kinda like it that way.

the only way to get through a day at work is to be phony as shit. i laugh and smile at the most rediculous things (some are truly funny and some are so not funny at all). at the end of the day, my face freakin hurts from it. no joke.

it's funny because now i feel a difference. i notice in the moment how full of shit i am. i truly think its part of survival in the outside world. there is no way i could manage being myself all the time, it would make me tired. when you have crazy "friends" you can't tell them the truth. it would just make them crazier. you nod and smile and say, you're right. even though you think they are ciminally insane.

most of the time, i just simply don't like people. then the phony-ness is a principal thing. why let them know the real you, when they just simply suck. give them what they want. the side of you that they need. when all they want to do is talk about themself, it's easier to just pretend to care then to alter their universe in such a complete way.

i don't mean to be like this. i think it's just how i've adapted over the years. and in some ways, i think it has saved my sanity (or most of it at least)

XOXO

ps: i'm leaving work at 7 tonight so i dont have time to find something cool...but i think leaving this early is SUPER COOL!! (although the first few min of this is super cool too-quality not so good but still AMAZING)